i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
did i walk over a car last night?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
