Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
