I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nicole vs. Life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
