I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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