I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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