I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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