I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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