what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
