And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
