some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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