you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
