my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
