im six kinds of drunk right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
