So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
