Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
