She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
