She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
