My room smells like vodka and shame
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I am spending my child support on dildos
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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