i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
