I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
