considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
