Plan B is the new Plan A
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
