so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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