Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
