I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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