saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize