You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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