Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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