My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I still have a little drunk in my system
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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