someone threw a dead crab at me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
