Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
