I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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