the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
