guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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