be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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