You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
