i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
