I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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