It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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