I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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