I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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