i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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