Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I am naked and annoyed.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize