also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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