she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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