Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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