this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
