At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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