I think my vagina is haunted
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
