Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
