I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
