Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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