I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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