This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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