the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize