I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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