I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize