No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
